meg

Dear Shelia,
Hi, hope this finds everything well with you and your family. Things are fine with us. I recieved your card awhile ago and the clothes came in the mail today - Thanks so much, megan is getting alot of use out of them. I appreciate them more than I could ever express.
Megan was put in the hospital for 9 days a few weeks ago. She kept losing weight, she lost a total of 9 oz's in twelve days. Dr. clure ran all kinds of tests on her that came back normal. It turned out she needed more calories per oz. of formula and a different nipple. She didnt have a strong suck but the new nipples took care of that. I stayed with her at the hospital and found it to be very exausting and stressful. anyway thank god shes home and im happy the way shes continuing to gain daily - actually shes turning into quite the little pig. Shelia I just cant get over the difference shes brought into my life. This is kind of hard to explain and please dont get me wrong I love both my children very much and not more than the other..

It was a letter my Grandma found that my mother had written to a friend, that she apparently never finished.

On the back of it is a couple written out bugedts with things like diapers, and pants for my brother - micheal.

and at the bottom a few things are scribbled like -

( megan anne shortle )

Scott ( crossed out, thats my dad. ) , Kathy & Megan ledford ( ledford also crossed out ) which is my dads last name.

and then an arrow pointing to my name below it, and written heartache. Ache, Ache.

It would probably make more sense if i scanned it.

I spent a few days up at my grandmas.

While there I did something I never thought i would do, Or perhaps not even get the chance to do.

I don't think i realized what i was doing until i was sitting in his living room, I met my real dad. Scott. Well, Actually his name is
David scott ledford. But he goes by scott.

Anyways, I never knew much about my dad, actually - i grew up believing no one even knew who he was or where he was.
until this last time i was at my grandmas, I decided to ask a few questions about him.
All my grandma could really tell me was that my mother and him had lived togather for three years, and the day i was born he walked out and never looked back.

I grew up always jealous of all my friends dads, Since my mom was single when she adopted me.
( I mean, she was married for two years when i was 9-11. but.. thats a whole other story and i hate that asshole, and harldy considard him my 'dad' )

but anyways, I wasnt nervous driving up to his house, I can't say i was even thinking about it much.
Kelly went with me, and he said he thought he was more nervous than i was.
But like i said, It all hit me once i was sitting there across from him.
I didnt know what to say, and i dont remember much of what we talked about.
He tried feeding me some bullshit about how he wasnt sure i was his, and my mom and him were just 'kids' ... ( about 30. )
My initial reaction was a little anger, I wanted to be like " Oh, So are you saying my mother slept around?, Is that what your trying to tell me?? "

But really, thats not why i was there, I wasnt looking for answers, And i didnt need anymore bullshit spoonfed to me, I let him know, I was there because I missed a special opportunity to meet my mom, and didnt want to miss out again. I wanted to see his face, and know what he smelled like. I wanted a face to a name i only learned days prior.

The only thing i really remember now is his eyes, He had big beautiful eyes.
I could see he was scared shitless, and didnt know what to say. Neither did I.
I honestly was only there for maybe 15 minutes, In the time that i was there, someone had stopped by, and he tried to find the words to tell his friend who i was, that i was his daughter.

God, his daughter... that makes my eyes burn even thinking about.

In the end, I walked away with an address to write to.
The other morning I woke up excited, I finally had someone to send a fathers day card to on fathers day, that holiday never meant shit to me.

In all honesty I so badly want a relationship with him, I want to know him. And be able to talk about
' my dad ' . I want stories, and pictures. and someone to give a shit about me.

I dont know, We'll see how it all pans out, I still don't know where to start in my letter.
I guess with the truth.

So its been like a year since i have ACTUALLY updated this thing. Gwwwsh.
anyhow. Im in the hospital if you didnt catch that already, this is i believe my 4th day.
I got admitted on 39% lung function going by FEV1 and i dont even know what my weight was honestly. but i think i had lost like 10 pounds,.
its hard to type on this keyboard cus its a peice of , im using the hospital computers they have out for the patients about a mile away from my room, usually at night i will just jump on the one on my floor which im not actually supposed to use. Plus im back on klonipin and that makes me all retarded like and i keep having to fix my typos.

I really super extra wish i had a working lap top. I miss my music on it too, oh soo so much.

im so ghetto, im LITERALLY listening to cassete tapes back in my room. serious.

And i cant on this computer eirther, hahaha. notl ike it matters all that much.

Life has been H A R D ... . And you know what, life has been H A R D  for a long long long time. i will even be willing to say that i   life. and i feel stuck. and for the past year and 3/4s or what the ever, i have been asking for some sort of a blessing or a sign or just whatver, you know?
and i finally got my wish answered ... or so i thought i did, it seems a littl jumbled after last nights phone conversation. so i dont know.
i wanted to leave the hospital so bad last night or, all day yesterday more like, and my anxiety was through the roof, i self destructe when im mad, so i drank most of the day, go to plaid pantry sit in the car and drink a couple of pints and smoke a little weed then go back up to my room with a stick of gum and hope no one says anything. towards the end of the night i just wasnt giving a , i was bring pints and drinking them in my room, which could obviously get me into a little trouble.

My FAVOURITE Rt was on call yesterday and had me and again today, and he came in and sat down and was like " look at me " he was like whats going on? "tell me the truth, are you okay?" and im just like yeaaah... and he was like " would you tell me if you werent?" and i was like " No. "
Thats the thing, I have like H A T E D  life for so long that i feel like talking about it is like beating a horse, and i have heard it all, really i have. i know what everyones going to say. I feel like there isnt any any answers.
whats in the future? my mom likes to ask me that one, I DONT KNOW. further down in the hole.?

On the other hand, I know i am capable of better, i know im smart, and i surround myself with the right people, i know i can succeed. and thats all i want.
i just dont know how to get out of the hole i am in. thats always the hardest part.
anyhow god, i feel like i have gottten alot out. i usually dont pour myself out like that.

i need a coffee.